Tags: #notes-app, #fomo, #scarcity-mindset, #abundance-mindset, #time, #postgrad-depression [[0004. conversation games and developing an opinion]] | [[0006. savoring sadness]] I suffered deeply from FOMO from the ages of 18 to 23, during my college and early postgrad years. FOMO, aka the fear of missing out. Missing out on what, exactly? Anything and everything. If I didn’t have plans one weekend I’d obsessively watch snap or IG stories of all my “friends” at house parties, going out to dinner, hanging out on or off-campus, etc. Here I loosely use "friends" to refer to a nebulous network of genuine friends, acquaintances I liked, acquaintances I disliked, and people I met in a bathroom once that I somehow became connected with on social media. It was utterly crippling to know that all these “friends” were doing things, looking cool, and having fun without me. When there were no posts on social media I’d fear the unthinkable—everyone was having so much fun (without me) that no one was bothering to take pictures. Postgrad, after I'd moved back home, I felt a new evolution of FOMO on top of the old feelings. I’d still watch snap or IG stories of my “friends” going out to dinner, going out to bars, going on road trips, and wonder, why wasn’t I invited? Do they not like me? Do they not find me fun to be with? But even worse was watching all my “friends” graduate, get office jobs, start making money, traveling, and moving on with their lives, when I wasn’t. I struggled a lot with finding a job after college. While I was in the process of finding my way I felt I was missing out on so much life. I was afraid I was going to be left behind. Unfortunately, I felt that all of that living was gated behind a job. In some ways it was ($), but it many ways it wasn’t. (A topic for a different note). Somewhere around the ages of 23-24 I stopped feeling almost all these FOMO related feelings completely. This is an attempt to articulate how this happened. So how does one get over FOMO? Here's a list of some things that changed during those years: #### Learning to have fun I wrote earlier about my fear that everyone was having fun without me. The unspoken half of that statement is that I was not having fun wherever I was. To me, all the fun was ***there***, and I was ***here***. Addressing this was twofold. 1) I needed to believe that I deserved fun. I didn't think I deserve to have fun without a job. I was ashamed about my situation. I avoided going out with friends because I was embarrassed and didn't want to have to open up about my life. After a little less than 2 years of unemployment, I read some Christian IG inspiration that went something like "don't put your whole life on hold while you're waiting on an answer to a prayer from God", and it totally opened my eyes to how I had stopped living because of my unemployment woes. So I started making an effort to get back out there. Naturally, we went into lockdown because of the pandemic a month later 😂 but I did my best! Reached out to friends, hosted Zoom raves, played Jukebox, etc. Believing that I deserved to have fun did wonders for attracting fun. Later in the lockdown I accepted a job offer, and all the shame, embarrassment, melted away, almost over night. But it's a good takeaway for the future, to not allow shame prevent you from living your life. 2) I needed to accept what was. I had to accept my overall state in life, who I was, who I was with (or wasn't with), and the experiences I was living. More specifically, I had to accept that I was unemployed, that to some extent I squandered my college years, that I wasn't going to be one of those 21yos making 200K at a FAANG, that I lived at home with my parents, that I had to deal with the constraints of living with them, etc, etc. Acceptance doesn't mean "don't strive for more or better". It just means to accept your current reality instead of clinging to what could be or could have been. I think that you can't make meaningful progress without accepting where you're starting from. How did I come to this acceptance? I'm not sure, but the pandemic solitude was a factor. For a time there was absolutely nothing going on anywhere that I was missing out on, and I didn't waste time distracted by FOMO. Instead I spent that time sitting with myself, journaling, reflecting on my feelings, fears, dreams, desires, goals, etc. I got to know myself a lot better. And because I got to know myself better, I also came to accept what I actually find fun. Sometimes it's parties, but most of the time it's diving down Internet rabbit holes. And so I became happier with myself and had more fun where I was. No matter what was going on elsewhere, I felt less like I was missing out. #### My relationship with time Age. I'm not old by any means, but I can still speak to how experience affects perception. When I was younger, I always felt like I was constantly running out of time to accomplish everything I wanted to. Partially because I lacked focus and wanted to accomplish way too many things, partially because of immaturity, and partially because of the academic experience. School is finite, and students are not allowed to forget it. The academic year provides definitive timeboxes and academic/social rituals to mark the time. Deadlines, classes, quarters, semesters. Homecoming, midterms, prom, final exams. Graduation, after which everything changes and you have to have everything figured out!! As you age you realize there is time. Not time for everything, but time for anything you want to make time for. #### Separating the "friends" from the friends 🥰. I came to care less about all those random social media connections and acquaintances I disliked. This is mostly a result of fixing my relationship with social media. Spending less time on it, being more intentional about what I look at when I do spend time on it. Previously I didn't want to sever connections w/ "friends" bc I was afraid of missing out on possible social opportunities and capital. But pruning those connections freed me for new, more quality social opportunities and capital. #### Cultivating better relationships with my friends. I became less needy. This wasn't an intentional change, so it's hard to articulate exactly how this happened. It just did over time. What was I needy about before? I wanted too desperately to be liked. I wanted my friends to act how I wanted them to act. I wished some would do activities with me that they were not interested in. I wished some would see that I was suffering…and help ease that suffering. I wished and wanted all these things from them, but would not say it, because as I said, I was unwilling to open up. Was unwilling to be honest. And frankly, was also unwilling to reciprocate. I have a long way to go with opening up and the whole vulnerability thing, but I’ve def made strides. There’s an honesty that permeates my behavior that wasn’t there before. I hide less about who I am. I tell less white lies, which I used to do to avoid difficult conversations. I’m more open about my needs (without demanding that they be fulfilled). Because of this I’ve been able to have important conversations with some of my friends about feelings, resentments, and the ways we’ve hurt each other, these long overdue conversations that were stunting growth in our friendships. Which led to healing and strengthening our friendships. How does that help with FOMO? I think because there’s more comfort in the friendship, I’m not afraid of missing out. I know we have years ahead of us. Abundance. --- **FOMO is a result of scarcity mindset.** You have it in your mind that there's only a finite amount of social events, friends, and career opportunities in existence, so you fixate on the ones you might be missing out on. If you do the work to cultivate a frame of abundance, you start to realize there's plentiful social events, friends, career opportunities you can attend, make, and attain. --- Created: November 16, 2021 Last Modified: November 16, 2021