![[gulf_living_fl_feels_shadow_st_pete_beach.jpeg]] ![[gulf_living_fl_feels_sunset.jpeg]] ![[gulf_living_fl_feels_shell_key.jpeg]] Under the pretense of helping my father look at retirement homes and experiencing retirmene tlife, we booked an Airbnb for a month in St. Petersburg, a 10min walk from the beach. We arrived after 2 days, 16-17 hours of driving. We settled into the Airbnb. For me, panic set in. I felt anxious. What the fuck are we doing here? In a strange apartment. In a strange town. We’re here for a month? Away from friends? Away from family? We’re kicking off a huge project at work this month. What if the internet doesn’t work? What if I look like a slacker? Relax. The anxiety settled after a few days. That first week I was on work calls almost the entire day, every day. But every day I looked forward to walking to the beach with my dad.  I enjoyed the time with my dad. The chats about religion and God and life and aging and regrets. I worry about him. Him and my mom both. About their health. About how i’m going to take care of them. What if it becomes too much? I treated him to lobster rolls for his birthday. Omakase for Father’s Day the week after. On good days, which I'd say is most days, I would consider my dad a truly great friend, and shared meals are the heart of our friendship.  At the omakase we met a couple from Tampa - a neurologist and anesthesiologist. I wonder about the years they spent at school. I wonder what it means for me and my ambition that I never want to step foot in school again.  My dad (who also spent many years at school, law school then a PhD) quizzes me a lot about what I see in my future. I have no fucking clue what I would do with more years at school. My job is...fine but I don't know. I always get the sense that my soul is searching for something *more*. When I was 16 I imagined a decade later that I'd have a clear sense of what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Now that I'm here I find myself with more questions than answers. I find that life is about deciding what questions you want to spend your life answering. I spent a lot of time sitting on the beach staring out at the gulf. Sometimes thinking about the future. More often thinking about nothing at all. On days with low wind and calm jello seas, I'd float on my back in the water, stare up at the sky, close my eyes, and let the waves take me wherever they want to go. It’s hard to do this for too long. I panic about being swept out to shore, or swept too far from the beach where my companions are. What does that mean? On days with higher winds and choppy seas, I tire myself out swimming and playing with the waves, sometimes diving under and sometimes diving into, letting it carry me.  Is God real? Sometimes I look at nature and can’t bear the possibility that there’s no designer, but I also can’t bring myself to believe that there is. How are my parents so certain? Florida is obscenely hot in the summer. Truly, the best word for it is obscene. The humidity clings to your skin, your hair, your clothes, your lungs, smothering you. But it’s not wholly unwelcome. Some days I think i could get used to it. Especially if I always get to run home to the frigid AC, gasping for the relief of cold air.  My dad and I looked at a few houses. The whole premise of this trip was actually for him to look at retirement homes. But I don’t get the sense that he really wants to retire. I get the sense that he doesn’t really know what he wants. He says sometimes that he's waiting for me to get married to retire. I wonder if I'm waiting to get married to live the life I really want to live. I worry about them. I worry about a life lived without considering what you really, truly want. I worry about me.  I love beach towns. I love being in love in beach towns. You know the type. Ice cream shops, sunsets with cotton candy skies, salt and sand in your hair, between your toes, everywhere, sticky ocean breeze. I love these towns because you're in paradise. Anything seems possible. Sneak out at night, kiss your crush, try your first beer. I enjoyed the time with my boyfriend lover person thing. Being all in love and sitting on the beach and doing nothing. Letting the vastness of the ocean fill all the gaps between us. I worry if my parents like him. If he's making a good impression. I worry if he likes my parents. I worry about a lifetime of sharing meals. What if we can't agree on what to eat? What if the conversation runs out? I worry too much. It's that thing I said before, about how it's hard to let the waves take me wherever they want to go for too long. I need to see, to control the world around me. I can be (too) demanding with the people I love the most. Deepening relationship with nature. Noticing birds prancing along the shore one after another, how the beach changes every day, kayaking, the nuances of the environment. Today at sunset the sky is streaked with clouds and the sun is obscured as it sinks behind the sea and the tide is low. Yesterday shortly after sunrise the sky was crystal clear and the tide is high, carving out paths in the sand for water to flow. Some days the sand is covered in seafoam and seaweed and kelp (I think it's called kelp) and the birds peck at it in search of food, and some days the shores have been licked clean by the waves. We have to save the fucking environment. Did you know there's this phenomenon called red tide? I'm paraphrasing, but there's this bacteria that is naturally more prevalent when the water warms up in the summer, but it also feasts on the nitrates that the fertilizer plants in Florida dump into water. Mix that and a hurricane and the bacteria blooms, irritates the eyes and the lungs, kills off the fish and the dead fish turn up on the beach. We didn't experience it while we were there, but I read up on it before we went. We have to save the fucking environment. Problem is I don't have any useful skills to save the environment. I suppose I have a burgeoning interest in climate tech, but can software really help here? LIke genuinely move the needle. How much does analyzing carbon credits move the needle? I miss it. I miss it everyday. I miss getting off work and walking to the beach. Watching the sunset with his arms wrapped around me. Watching the birds hunt, dance, compete. Watching the other birds soar across the sky, and dive to kiss the water with their beaks. Questions for this stage of life - How do I find fulfilling work? - How can I be more courageous? - Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? - How can I be a good daughter to my parents and still be good to myself? --- Created: Aug 16, 2022 Modified: Jan 23, 2023 - *Add pictures* Modified: Aug 22, 2022